The Confabulator Cafe

Tag: repo man

  • Not Actually Very Funny At All

    Terry is a Joke. And a bad one, too. But Terry is bringing home a new roll of Certs from the Kwik Shop because he is going to help Amanda find a new job. His breath must smell better than normal so that she won’t send him away when he opens his mouth.

    On his way back to his apartment building, Terry passes some real people on the street. Compulsory chuckles escape this man and that woman. Real people never find him humorous, but it strikes them as impolite not to laugh at the young man’s existence.

    Oh well, Terry thinks as he dips his head to accept their recognition. (more…)

  • Awkward Silences

    ‘I am so tired of disappointing you.”

    “Why do you think that?”

    “The way you look at me, I can tell.” He jingled the change in his hand. Nervous habit.

    She looked at him and laughed, a forced kind of laugh. “I didn’t know you were such an expert in body language.” Then she gave him the kind of look he feared.

    He debated commenting on it, but he knew the results of such chatter never turned out in his favor so he focused instead on the nickels and dimes in his hand.

    A long silence followed, made awkward by the worldly silence around them. The change became an uncomfortable distraction and he slipped the coins into his pocket. He wished he would have flipped on the television before he started this chat yet again.

    “Awkward.” He tried to smirk when he said it. He failed. (more…)

  • Collections Hell

    To: mathew.logan@soulnet.org
    From: collections@hellnet.org

    Dear Matthew Logan,

    I am writing to inform you that your grace period of 15 years, as previously agreed upon by both parties, is coming to a close. On September 30, 2016 your fee of the energy from one human soul, hereafter known as your immortal soul, will be due. On or before this date, your immortal soul will be ripped from your body and transferred to the underworld for eternal storage. Please make whatever arrangements you feel are appropriate and schedule a visit with one of our many repossesion agents at your earliest convenience.

    Appointments for immortal soul collection do fill up fast during this time of year, due to the many contracts signed during the early autumn months. In order to ensure a convenient time to surrender your immortal soul, we do recommend that you make an appointment as soon as possible. The process is fast and we try our best to make it as painless as possible.

    If you have any questions or concerns, please contact your case-demon directly at: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

    Ralachi
    Fifth Level of Hell
    Collections Department

    #

    To: collections@hellnet.org
    From: mathew.logan@soulnet.org

    How on Earth did you get this email? I did not and never have signed any kind of contract for my immortal soul. If this is some kind of joke, it’s not funny.

    Mathew Logan (more…)