Failed Conversion

(Broadcast transcript provided by Station URHI, Holy Roller Radio. Creators of the forthcoming documentary Glock and Awe: God’s plan for you and your guns.)

HOST:    Happy Monday, people! And thank you for tuning in to this week’s edition of The Wooly Pulpit, America’s premier destination for hairy men of God and the nation who loves them. 

As always, I am your host, Cubby Carlson, and boy, do we have a great show for you tonight.

Joining us in studio, New Argo’s newest Bible Bear, the reverend Mike Mackey. He’ll talk about becoming ordained, forming his own church, and if there’s anyone special in his life, aside from the Big Guy, I mean.

(Laughs) 

But before we get to the good stuff, and let me tell you people, from where I’m sitting, it is Very. Good. Stuff. Here’s a quick word from our sponsors.

Today’s program is brought to you in part by Lectionary Lumber Yard. New Argo’s only business catering exclusively to our growing Christian community. Remember, if you’ve got Jesus, we’ve got wood.

Sponsoring also provided by Christ-on-a-Cracker Communion Wafers. A healthy glimpse of suffering with every redeeming bite. Christ-on-a-Cracker: We really can’t wait to put it in your mouth.

HOST:    All right, so now that we have the formalities out of the way, I’d like to introduce Reverend Mike Mackey.

(Canned applause)

HOST:    So, Reverend Mackey, tell us a little bit about yourself. 

MACK: Hold on, hold on. Are you really going to call me that?

HOST:    What?

MACK:  A Bible Bear.

HOST:    If the shoe fits.

MACK: You know there’s . . . ah . . . another definition of bear, right?

HOST:    This isn’t my first rodeo, Reverend.

MACK: I just didn’t want to confuse anybody—

HOST:    Trust me, sir. I know a grizzly of a man when I see one. Someone who isn’t afraid to ferociously fight for the Word of God. If you don’t fit that description, then I don’t know who does.

MACK: . . . It’s just that there’s this whole other group of people who kind of use the term “bear” in a totally different way. 

HOST:    Reverend, I’m sure if there were someone else out there using that word, God would have told us by now.

MACK:  Okay.

HOST:    Or He would’ve rained a plague of lawyers down on them to sue their a—, or bottoms, for copyright infringement.

MACK: I don’t think you can copyright a word.

HOST:    Oh, really. Ever heard of the word “Bible.”

MACK:  Yeah. There are lots of them.

HOST:    Because there are lots of languages. 

MACK:  No, I mean . . . (sigh) . . . never mind. 

HOST:    Boy, you are going to be a difficult one, aren’t you? I had pictured you as the strong, silent type.

MACK: They why’d you want to interview me in the first place?

HOST:    . . . Let’s move on. It says here you are a graduate of the Divinity Schminity Academy for the Technically Performing Arts. Where is that located exactly?

MACK:  The, uh, Internet.

HOST:    So it’s an online program?

MACK:  Yeah. . . sure.

HOST:    Very progressive, Reverend. But not in the bad way.

MACK:  You can call me Mack.

HOST:    Ooh, how informal of you. I like your style. So anyway. Mack. (Giggles) According to the literature you gave us, shortly after graduating seminary you founded The Church of the Risen. Is that correct?

MACK: Un-huh.

HOST:    I like that name. Church of the Risen. It just sounds so . . . virile. 

MACK: . . . Thanks.

HOST:    And I’m told your startup funding came from a group called the Foundation for the Priapismic Arts. Let’s talk about the Foundation for a moment. What is Priapism?

MACK: You know. . . I don’t think this was a good idea.

HOST:    Why? Don’t you want to promote your new church? Our program is heard in over five counties.

MACK:  Wait, I thought you were just a city station.

HOST:    Usually. But we’ve made it out as far as Pontius Pilate Point before.

MACK:  How? Because of, like, sunspots or something?

HOST:    We like to think of it as our radio station getting a little shot of Jesus Juice.

MACK:  Okay, seriously. You people need to check out urban dictionary.

HOST:    Mack, you seem tense. Just try and relax. Why don’t you come over here and let me give you what I like to call my special Holy Hug?

MACK:  Why are you taking off your shirt?

HOST:    Come press your bare chest against mine. You’ll really be able to feel the spirit move between us.

MACK:  That’s kind of what I’m afraid of.

HOST:    Mack. Trust me. Fear is just your mind holding you back from new experiences.

MACK:  I prefer to think of it as an early warning system.

HOST:    Mack, you know you want this. Come over here. Let me help you. Talk to me, and the audience. We want to know what makes you tick.

MACK:  . . . That’s it. I’m out. The church, the degree, it’s fake. All of it.

HOST:    You don’t mean that. Sit down. Let’s work it out.

MACK:  No. I’m serious. We’re done here. There’s no church anymore. I’m shutting it down. Effective now. All I wanted was to scam a little money, but you know what, it’s not worth it. You people, you’re too crazy for me.

HOST:    Mack, wait! Don’t go! I LOVE YOU! . . . in Christ . . . Well, faithful listeners, that was certainly . . . unexpected. I guess not everybody’s ready for primetime. Until next time, please keep Reverend Mackey in your thoughts and prayers. I know I will. I hated to see him leave, but I loved to watch him go.

This is Cubby Carlson reminding you that if you really want to know what a bear does in the woods, maybe you should go camping and find out.